Don’t call your father to wish him Happy Birthday! I convinced him it was tomorrow because I forgot. Sigh.
Pulling One Over on Dad
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Score a Point for Satan
Backstory: My sister and I were arguing about who owed money to whom. We were NOT upset, but my mother heard about it.
Dad called and I told him that you both were upset over money. He said,”My Gosh, I can’t believe that they would get their feelings hurt over a few dollars. Have they forgotten how blessed they are that they have each other and they have jobs and are not starving.”
You two have allowed money to influence your relationship with each other. Score a point for Satan.
Dad told me to stay out of it.
Love, MOM
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Best Buy Jailbreak
Help, I’m a prisoner in Best Buy and dad has a manila folder and a stack of Consumer Reports
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How to Weigh Yourself
Mom: Your father weighed himself today and was complaining because he’s up half a pound. I’ve told him he’s only supposed to weigh himself once a week, though.
Me: yeah, otherwise there’s too much variation
Me: I always weigh myself first thing in the morning so I’m lighter.
Mom: You’re supposed to wait until after you poo. He didn’t wait until he’d pooed.
Me: Um
Mom: You get up in the morning, have a cup of tea, poo, and then weigh yourself.
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Your Dad Is Gross
Your dad is gross: like this is new news to us. He just got back from a long run and was in the laundry room. He bent over to pick something up sweat came out of his sleeve. Did it drip out? Of course not, it squirted out like a grapefruit!! The things you miss while you are away :)
Momsy
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News Update: Colonoscopy Pickup Needed
Backstory: My dad and I have a standing phone call on Sundays.
mom: well I must get going dad having colonoscopy and needs a ride home
me: thanks for sharing!
mom: I suspect they should be calling me anytime
you’re welcome I like to keep you up to date so you’ll have something to talk about on Sundays
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The Truth Is Out There
Backstory: My dad is the kind of guy that Tivo’s every show about aliens on tv.
Mom: tomorrow dad is on a liquid diet….he’s being probed on thursday…i told him i bet he wishes aliens were doing it
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Trapped With Dad and Bro
Backstory: My mom lives with my dad and 17-year-old brother. I asked if we were invited to my cousin’s wedding.
Don’t know. I would guess so. I cant think about such trivia now. . . We are in the process of having another blizzard here. and i am trapped with the 2 whack-nuts for the 4th time in 2.5 months. This is like being pecked to death by a chicken
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Snuggle Time Coming Right Up
That sounds nice. (great that you are in the art show) I don’t mean to be rude, but I am going to get off this computer and try snuggling with your father. Don’t make snide remarks… If we had never done this stuff – you wouldn’t have been born.
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Dad is a BFB
Mom: ur dad is a bfb
Me: bfb?
Mom: big fucking baby, duh!
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In Case of Craigslist Murder
I’m going to pick up a clay cooker from a guy on Craig’s list. Dad was going to come with me; however, he isn’t feeling well so I’ll probably go alone. I’ve done it before but in case the guy, Russ, (details left on desk by the kitchen phone) hacks up my body and feeds me to the ducks, I want you to know that I love you very much. And if it comes to trial, I think Dad should get the $15 back that I’m paying for the clay pot.
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I Expect You to Lie for Me
Mom: I’m going to kill your father
Me: Don’t tell me these things, that’s premeditated murder, you’re going to get more time in prison for that.
Mom: Right, but you have to understand that I expect you to lie for me on the stand anyway.
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Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired
Backstory: my father made the mistake of asking my mom why she was so tired…
I am tired of picking up laundry that is lying in the hall I am tired of cooking, cleaning, dishwashers, washing machines, dryers and the HELL of laundry in general!
I am tired of steering, looking, pushing the gas pedal, inconsiderate asshole% who drive in the left lane oblivious to the fact that I am driving like a bat out of hell because I am unable to get out of bed any earlier to come to a job I hate.
I am tired of cubicles, people, child abuse, telephones, computers and most of all state government!
I am tired of being fat, thinking about fat, looking fat, diets, calories, exercise, and not fitting into my clothes.
I am tired of dogs, dog hair, dog pee, dog food, dog medicine, dog shi*, and dog walks!
I look forward to sleep, sleep, sleep, the beach, the summer and most of all the WINE!
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Dadnapping
Mom: did I ever tell you about the time we kidnapped your dad?
Me: no
Mom: well I’m not gonna tell you now either, might incriminate myself
Mom: some other time when nobody’s around
Me: whaat
Mom: I will say this…I never saw your father as scared as he was that night! Hehe
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Engagement Shoes
Backstory: This is the first email I received from my parents after I told them I was engaged. My mom does not use the computer so my dad sends the emails on her behalf…
Mom wants to know what your shoe size is. She wants to get you a special pair of shoes that help you to lose wt.
Love, Dad
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Looking for a Happy Father’s Day
Mom: So, did I tell you that your dad asked if I would sleep him again now that the divorce is final?
Me: Ummm. Did you tell him that ship has sailed?
Mom: Oh, honey, that ship SANK.
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Dad is Home! But…
dad is home!
he’s feeling better
he still hasn’t had a good bowel movement since last wednesday
so he is full of shit :-)
love
mom
XOXO
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How a Bike Ride is Like a Mezuzah
Backstory: My mom’s response to an email I sent about riding my bike to work through central park
Hearing this made Dad very happy. Kind of the equivalent of having you call me to be reminded where to put the mezuzah. Of course, putting up a mezuzah does not put you in the same traffic pattern as two ton trucks.
You are the best.
–
Mom
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Dude!! It’s Your Daughter’s Wedding.
Backstory: Ever since I was about 14, I called my Dad “Dod,” because it amused me. It stuck. Anyway, my dad lost a lot of weight recently and he needs a new suit for my wedding.
I told Dod the other night that we need to get him a new suit. He looked at me the way the cat used to when I said, “Um, go do…this.” He was all, “I have a suit.” And I was all, “Yeah, from when you were 45 lbs. heavier.” And he was all, “Don’t I have something from before I got fat??” And I was all, “????????????????????????? Dude!! It’s your daughter’s wedding. You need a new fucking suit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
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The Joys of Aging
Backstory: Mom’s response to my email asking how old Dad is turning next week.
He was born in 1950…………….yikes, 62. Don’t say anything about getting old. It is bugging him that we are getting old and he is a little depressed. When he gets depressed, he obsesses about his bowels.
Love MOM
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